Four hours in a freaking chemo room is long and unbelievably boring. Here's a breakdown:
9:12 a.m. - No side effects sippin' on bleo. Like a boss.
10 a.m. - I offer Lauren my chair so can she sleep. I tell her she can wear my cancer blanket, sit in my cancer chair. She declines (horrified) and instead takes some of my cancer candy. She looks more bored than I am.
10:30 a.m. - I remember http://www.nescafeweb.com/ and its collection of Old NES games and a good chunk of my morning is shot. On Tecmo Super Bowl I destroy Buffalo by 50+ points with the Giants (Lawrence Taylor is unstoppable), remember how much I hate Chip & Dale Rescue Rangers and get frustrated on Baseball Simulator 1000 after getting called out on a pickle because my runner on third won't move as the catcher runs up to me. He's just camping out on the bag there like a vapid zombie, oblivious to my hurried button-pushing. Like everything else for the next three months, I chalk it up to a side-effect of the chemo (Lessened Nintendo expertise, farting in bed, eating the last (row) of Oreos and not lowering the toilet seat after use are all side effects).
11:33 - Pop Up Video is back on VH1? This is the stuff I'm not made aware of having a normal 9-5 job. Side note: We are the only chemo room in the floor blaring Ke$ha from this pop-up video. I believe the rest of the rooms, given the average age here, are mad that it's blaring out the Glenn Miller coming from their record players they lugged in.
11:43 - With all the hubbub of fighting a disease that claimed my second-favorite testicle, I completely forgot that today is Tuesday, and new music comes out on Tuesday, which I can critique on Spotify. If I didn't have Spotify, I never would have known that Bush released another mediocre CD a few weeks ago (or that Bush has done anything since 1996).
11:47 - My nurse just emerged back in my room, this time covered in a splatter gown, gloves and goggles around her neck. If she's not spraying foam insulation in a room somewhere, I may drag my IV cart down the hall and hide out somewhere until this all blows over. It's sure dampening the chemo mood the Indigo Girls' new CD is putting me in.
11:50 - As usual, my musical maven friend Corey Munson is 100% correct - Feist's new CD is awesome. I may have to actually go spend money on this one. I could listen to this all....Jack's Mannequin has a new CD? Well nevermind, it's time to music hop.
11:52 - If I clamp off my IV tube, will the nurse come back in 25 minutes later and find me soaked in a pile of chemo?
11:53 - Nope. Machine beeps and I get reprimanded. Lesson learned.
12:10 - Holy shit. I can't feel my left testicle. NURSE, I CAN'T FEEL MY LE...wait, no, false alarm. Phantom nut.
12:15 - Even having cancer, watching Teen Mom just makes me feel better about my life. This should run non-stop in all chemo wards. "Yeah, you may have cancer, but at least you're not a 17-year-old parent that hates your significant other and will have documentation forever of a child being raised by its grandparents."
12:31 - CNN Breaking news...Chris Christie isn't running for president. I'm not sure how that's breaking news...I believe he's said that 12 times publicly now. Here's some more breaking news... pigs are made of ham. Also, I'm not sure I want a president named "Chris Christie." He sounds like he should be a DJ on a radio morning show. "Chris Christie and the Mad Max in the morning with the Zoo Crew."
12:37 - Daytime television sucks. I'm entirely convinced I could create any show on HGTV. Have somebody offer to renovate somebody else's home. Have them start this task with a shot of a petite woman swinging a sledge hammer into the wall. In the next five minutes, create a dilemma "This isn't the tile we ordered!" or "Oh no, there's mold behind this wall!" or any other problem that is fixable. Have them solve this problem through great adversity and then show several side-by-side pictures of the old and new room, with the host walking around with a shit-eating grin and his arm around the house's couple. That's it...sell the crap out of advertising to Lowes, Behr and whatever other advertisers enjoy picking off the easily persuaded.
12:45 - This chemo is making me ridiculously tired. They told me this morning that one of the drugs they were giving me was Benadryl. I laughed. "Like the over-the-counter medication I take for allergies that makes me exhausted?" The nurse nodded. "Yes, in IV form." Good...I'd much rather have it drip into my veins for the next 30 minutes over taking two pills with some water. Sigh.
1:20 - Energy back. Went to the bathroom for the fifth time today (I'm still drinking water like crazy) and while going to the bathroom came dangerously close to spraying my IV tube on the cart I had to drag in there. I'm a coordinated 28-year-old guy standing without any problems, and many of the others in this department are far, far less coordinated. How many other times must this happen? Do they wash and sterilize these? I really wish I hadn't been joking with my wife yesterday about cutting the IV and sucking it out like a straw...that kind of makes me shudder now.
1:34 - My infusion pump has a beat better than 90% of rap songs on the radio these days. Of course, now that I typed that, T-Pain will sample it and ruin it forever.
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